3 Yellow Roses

shot_1284068656658

I shot this back in the beginning of September. The roses are from one of the bushes I planted this spring.

Somehow it sums up exactly how I feel today.

Stolen Secrets and Broken Hearts

I clutched my secret close to my chest and reminded myself day after day to keep it hidden.

Just a little bit longer.

Just until I was sure it wouldn’t be snatched away the moment I revealed it. My husband was the only other person that knew. Turns out it didn’t matter if we kept it to ourselves.

I kept it a secret and it was still stolen from me.

I knew it the moment I saw the first drops of blood.

My husband knew exactly what I meant when I walked down the basement steps, met his eyes, and said, “I’m bleeding.”

Our secret no longer needed to be kept.

It would never get to be revealed.

There would be no excitement.
No fawning over sonograms.
No baby.

JQ asked me the other day if we should tell G-tot our secret. I shook my head no, “not yet”. If…IF…if things went wrong, I couldn’t bear to have to explain that to him. Not again. I couldn’t dangle the prospect of a sibling in front of him and then snatch it away. He doesn’t deserve that—not now. Not ever.

But then, neither do we.

And yet…once again…it is my reality.

Once again I would find myself fighting off the pain and wiping away the endless flow of tears as the blood poured out of me.

Then just before dinner on Halloween I would feel it leave my body. This time I wouldn’t call my husband into the bathroom. This time I would just stare into the toilet myself.

Say may goodbyes alone.

And flush my dreams of another child away.

NaBloPoMo Numero Four-o

Today officially kicks of the start of National Blog Posting Month or NaBloPoMo. For the past three years I have participated in—and successfully completed—NaBloPoMo. I kind-of-sorta want to do it again this year but so much has changed since last November. I hardly post the way I used to.

Lately I’ve been lucky to get one new post a week written.

That little fact makes the idea of committing to one post a day for the next 30 days seem a little daunting.

I don’t like to fail.

I don’t want to say I’m going to do it if I don’t think I can. And frankly, I’m not sure I have it in me this year.

Part of me thinks that is exactly the reason I should do it.

I’ve lost a little of that loving feeling when it comes to blogging and I miss it.

So…for the fourth year in a row I’m going to give NaBloPoMo a go.

It isn’t always going to be pretty. Some days it might not be any thing more than a photograph. But it will be a lesson in discipline and commitment.

Are you in?

NaBloPoMo is NoMo

This is it. Day 30 of NaBloPoMo (or National Blog Posting Month for those of you that don’t like acronyms). This post marks the completion of my third year as a NaBloPoMo participant—and finisher! Today is a terrible day for this to be the end. I have a 10 hour work day after a LOOOONG holiday break (extra long since I was sick last week). Which is proving difficult to get back in the swing of things. Plus I have this poster I’m working on that has to be submitted by the end of the day. Add to that the fact that I just don’t have the desire to walk in the cold to seek out dinner and you get a girl that can’t properly focus. You also get a girl whose dinner consists of Cheez-Its and one of those “salami” stick packs you get out of the vending machine. Which totally sucks.

Photo 448

Somebody save me from this debacle of a dinner. No, really. That salami is even questioning why I chose it.

So, instead of wrapping up NaBloPoMo with an eloquent post about how I’ve grown over the past month through the discipline of writing every day you get this (I just typed “this” out as “shit”, still applies).

With “this” being a post that says: Woo-hoo! I did it!

nablo.sat.1109.120x200

Weekly Winners: November 22–28

cut my bangs

Maybe take a little off the bangs

IMG_8160
Vintage Hero

IMG_8161
Stuffed

IMG_8194
We are family

IMG_8198
At our table

IMG_8199

Pilgrim Monster

If I show up to the big family party in my pajamas I may have taken the policy a bit too seriously

I decided on Wednesday afternoon that I am not going to let the holidays stress me out this year. Starting with the Thanksgiving dinner I was hosting the next day. If my grandmother showed up too early that would be okay. If my in-laws showed up late, well that would be okay too. We would eat when everything was ready regardless of how on schedule that was to my original plan. I would just let the day unfold naturally. I planned on being totally zen about the situation. As opposed to the quasi-bitchy-and-can’t-relax state I’m usually in when I host a family gathering.

And guess what? Thanksgiving was awesome. My father-in-law even sent me a text later that night to tell me that they had a great time and to complement me on my table decorations. So I’m continuing with that policy for the rest of the year.

Christmas shopping this year isn’t going to piss me off and make me stabby. Instead, I’m doing as much as I can online and won’t freak out if they are out of stock. No, really. I’ve already encountered just that very thing. Of course, that may be easy for me this year since G-tot doesn’t just have to have some hot off the production line toy and nobody has any specific desires for gifts. In fact, I started shopping on Friday leisurely looking at the online Black Friday deals and ordering a handful of gifts as well as a couple of things for me. The stuff for me was just a Twilight special edition DVD for a ridiculously low $8.99 and some undies so I’m not breaking the “don’t buy anything for yourself until after Christmas” rule that was set by my mom years ago. Good rule, just really hard to do sometimes. But anyway, the shopping. Easy-peasey. Not at all stressful. Free shipping. And I practically spent less at each place on all the items combined then I would have if I had to pay full price for just one of those items. Which much more simply stated = good deals.

Why did I not do this before?

This afternoon we started putting up the Christmas tree but even that is happening at a low-key sort of pace. The tree is up and the lights are on but that is it so far. G-tot can’t keep his hands off the lights so that should make for an interesting month. Tomorrow we will probably put on the ornaments and get out the rest of the decorations. And if tomorrow turns into Tuesday or Friday, that’s okay.

Because this year I’m not going to stress out. Instead I’m going to really embrace the holiday spirit and what it might look like through the eyes of a toddler. I’m going to bask in the beauty of fresh fallen snow. I’m going to suck up the elixir of G-tot’s reaction when he sees presents under the tree Christmas morning. I’m going to enjoy all the wonderful little moments that only happen this time of year instead of being bogged down with hostility towards the consumeristic side that inevitably comes with the season.

How about you?

You would think after that many years the fur would smell funny

I was looking through an old photo album earlier trying to find a somewhat humiliating image from my past that might be good for a post about my awkward teen years. I found one—actually I found MANY—but I also found something far more significant. Something that I was looking for a month ago and never found. Probably because I looked half-assed but that’s beside the point. All that matters is I found it and I’m not going to wait another moment to share it with you.

Even if it is the end of November and everyone is looking ahead to the winter holidays. Nobody is thinking about Halloween anymore but that doesn’t really matter because… Um…

Well just look.

lionme

See that little kid in the lion suit? This lion suit? That’s me. And finding this makes me so excited I could pee a little. You see, my mom made that lion suit for me when I was a little kid. It has been worn by a BUNCH of people—me, the neighborhood kids, my brother a decade and a half later. My mom made the mane out of an old coat and it fit all sizes but she also made a separate suit for adults so my dad had also worn it at one point. I wore the costume again as a teen and JQ wore it several years ago. And then this year my son wore it.

How awesome is that?

Also, how awesome is that plastic rabbit costume my friend on the right is wearing? Wicked cool.

Bring on the pie

G-tot refuses to wear this long enough for me to take a picture of him. Actually he won’t keep it on for more than about .3 seconds. So somebody had to do it.

Photo 445

From my family to yours—Happy Thanksgiving.

At this rate I’ll inadvertently offend the entire internet by 2012

Have you ever written something that is taken completely wrong by somebody reading it? Something that they interpret as a personal blow? Something that causes a reader to instantly form this vicious negative opinion of you? And regardless of what you say from that point on they are going to read spite and poison in your words?

Or rather, I’ve learned sarcasm doesn’t always translate in the written word.

And, I’m pretty confident this is happening to me right now. I can’t be entirely sure but I’m getting a strong vibe that says it is true. Which is ridiculous.

Now I could be wrong, maybe they aren’t directing negativity towards me at all. Or perhaps this person never liked me. Maybe I’m reading into it wrong and it is a series of coincidental comments that have led me to this conclusion. But I doubt it. My heart tells me otherwise.

What is crazy is that the comment wasn’t directed at them at all. I was simply choosing not to state the obvious and instead attempted to make an apparently failed joke at Americana. The thing is, other people got it. Or least the comments they left led me to think they did. So I don’t feel like I should apologize for one person not getting my obviously-an-acquired-taste sense of humor. Although I did later state the obvious comment I omitted before as well as clarified that what my original statement was poking at.

And now there is this strong feeling of animosity being directed towards me.

What’s a girl to do?

I guess nothing.

I can’t help but make sarcastic comments. It’s in my nature. I sincerely don’t mean any harm. Some people get that. Some people don’t. Some people prefer not to even if they make the same comments on their own. I suppose I’m okay with that, I just need to make sure to surround myself with the people that get it.

I have a friend that used to tell people a little over a decade ago that “either you love her or you hate her” when discussing my personality. Apparently that still holds true.

I see a little silhouetto of a clam

Have you seen this fantastic little video of the Muppets singing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody? It is a mash-up of two of my favorite things from my childhood—puppets and wicked guitar licks. I watched it earlier this afternoon with G-tot and he laughed and laughed. Especially at Animal’s part. So awesome. You see a huge array of Muppets and tributes to some of the classic sketches performed on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational stage.

But it’s not just Bohemian Rhapsody. Some of the lyrics have been altered and it makes it just that much funnier. Watch it. All the way to the end. You’ll be glad you did.