Climbing Out of My Hole of Depression

I have been suddenly and unexpectedly overwhelmed with a knock-down case of depression. I’ve wept every day for an entire week. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach has left me barely interested in eating. I lost 4 pounds last week alone. That probably isn’t a good thing.

I just cannot shake this horrible sadness. It has consumed me.

So very sad.

And helpless.

I cannot feel the foggy veil of depression lifting. I don’t know how to make it go away.

This is the first time since March that I have felt like I might need to see my therapist.

It was just one year ago this past week that I had my second miscarriage and had to re-evaluate the idea of taking anti-depressants because therapy didn’t feel like it would be enough.

I stopped taking Prozac when I found out I was pregnant with Huggy Baby in January. Three months later I stopped going to therapy.

Sure, the pregnancy was at times stressful but I was doing okay. I had my support system in place and for months I didn’t feel like I needed therapy—or drugs—to feel “right”.

Then a couple of weeks ago it started creeping in. A week ago it hit me hard and full on.

I wrote that six weeks ago.

I’m better today. Not perfect. Just Better.

I think I was trying to stuff my feelings and pretend there wasn’t anything wrong. Talking about it? Talking about it would inevitably lead to uncontrollable tears.

Tears that embarrass me in my inability to turn them off.

But addressing that there was problem despite the tears has been a really important step towards healing for me.

What I’ve come to realize is that I need to be open. I need to be a better communicator. I need to learn to nurture myself.

I have no idea how to do that.

8 comments to Climbing Out of My Hole of Depression

  • I think as women in general we struggle with being open and nurturing ourselves. Being a mother makes it even harder. Being prone to anxiety or depression, makes it seem impossible.I am waiting for this to hit myself. After miscarriage 6 last year I hit rock bottom and went on meds. They worked…really well, I got pregnant in December and went off meds again. It was totally worth it, I struggled some, but in the end got my gorgeous little girl. I am having rough days here and there, but resisting meds so I can nurse (I know some meds are safe when nursing, but sadly I am allergic to SSRIs) We can do it, with or without meds. We just have to push and work harder than some. You are an incredible strong woman.

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  • When you figure it out, let me know. I think I could benefit from that as well.

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  • you have been on my mind SO MUCH lately. and i just wanted to say that i am really stinkin proud of you for writing this… 6 weeks ago and now. you are a fighter!

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  • naynayfazz

    I was about to write EXACTLY what Jenni wrote in her first sentence to you. Oh Holly, I can relate to this post so much. I definitely think going back to therapy would help you. It would be time for yourself, by yourself and that’s very important. You’re such a wonderful mother but it’s ok to take some time and figure out what is going on inside of you. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder early in the summer and it cleared up so many questions I had been wondering for years. I didn’t want to go to therapy and go on meds, but the change I had from it was amazing. I was able to move to California and slowly rebuild my life and relationships. Your situation is different, of course, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I support you. I am off of meds now, because I am going to holistic route. I have found acupuncture, yoga and meditation has helped me as well as the therapy. There are many options out there. I am sending you love and prayers that you will get to climb out of the hole you feel you are in. I believe in you. <3

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  • Chandra

    As a student of the mental health profession, I’m biased, but I really do think getting back into therapy would benefit. Sometimes therapy isn’t about weekly visits because everything has fallen apart. Sometimes it’s just about self-reflection and our ability to pull more things out of ourselves when it’s being witnessed by someone we know isn’t going to judge us.

    Depression is nothing to wait on when it comes to illnesses. Just because it’s in the mind doesn’t make it any less deadly than a physical ailment. I’m glad you’re able to talk about your feelings, but there may come a time where you can’t. While you can, seek out the help that you need and never second-guess yourself.

    You’re a great mom and a big part of that is taking care of yourself. The best thing you can do for those babies is make sure they have a happy healthy mom. If therapy and meds help you do that, whether in the short-term or the long-term, they seem like the right choices now.

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  • amyfidler

    Hearing about this is so important so that other people don’t feel alone! If I end up feeling this way when #2 arrives, having read your honest experience will help. Keep up the bravery in posting honestly… it’s one of the things I admire about you.

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  • I wish I had your phone number…I would call you.

    I switched therapists recently and it’s the best thing I could have done. The past few visits have been me just rambling about stuff but I was still able to start the sorting-out process of my feelings and frustrations in my head. IMO therapy could be good for you as a start for nothing else than a “safe” place to do that. You also need to take care of yourself. I grew up in a house where anything that someone would do to better themselves or be good to themselves was seen as extremely selfish. I fight this every day in my head and it’s a real struggle for me, so I can relate. But I can’t be any good to the world if I don’t. And you’ll be no good to your wonderful husband and those gorgeous babies if you don’t do things for yourself, either. Take it one hour at a time if you have to.

    Just know that you’re not alone.

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  • R2

    Seeing a great therapist, and having that sense of perspective is great! Thinking about you and hope you’re feeling yourself again, soon! Especially since “yourself” is so freakin’ awesome!

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