Devastation and Loss

I lost the baby Saturday morning.

I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I’m numb.

I hate that this happened to us.

I watched my entire loss unfold right before my eyes and I was helpless. There was nothing I could do about it. That sucks so much. So much that I just want to spew expletives across the page as I weep with every word I write. Fuck you Master Plan. This isn’t a part of life that I ever wanted to experience.

I knew something was wrong. I knew it Thursday night with that first sign of blood. That’s why I called the doctor. The ultrasound confirmed a heartbeat. Then it all went downhill from there.

I never really stopped bleeding after that. I called the doctor again and was told not to worry too much about it. Try to relax. The ultrasound looked good. But the bleeding wouldn’t stop. So I called again. This time it was the on call doctor. She told me the same thing. I tried to explain that there was a lot of blood. So much blood. Too much blood. She told me if the bleeding persisted through the weekend and filled up a pad about every half an hour to call the doctor on Monday. She told me if I was passing the baby it would look different than bleeding with clots. So I asked her what it would look like. “It would be white and look like tissue.” she said.

I tried to relax. I laid down on the couch. I didn’t pick up G-tot. I watched a movie with JQ. And every single time I went to the bathroom the blood just seemed to pour out of me. I think I went through an entire roll of toilet paper on Friday. Then I went to bed and hoped that when I woke up on Saturday the worst of it would be behind us.

Instead I woke up at 3 o’clock in the morning on Saturday in excrutiating pain. I made to the bathroom and sat on the toilet not sure if I wanted to puke, poop, or pass out. I was shaking uncontrollably and the pain was almost unbearable. It was the same pain I felt when I started going into labor with G-tot. I could hardly breathe and when I finally got back into bed JQ wrapped his arms around me and helped me gain enough control to take long deep breaths. The pain subsided and I fell asleep.

When I woke up Saturday the pain was gone and the first pee seemed promising—no sign of blood. Or at least, nothing like the night before. But I was wrong. Oh so very, very wrong. The next trip to the bathroom would change my life forever.

*This is the part of the story that may be a little too much for some people.*

It happened sometime between 10:30 and 11:00. I went into the bathroom just like I had so many times in the past 24 hours and sat down on the toilet. I started to pee, the blood came with it and then I felt it. I felt it come out of my body. I heard it hit the water in the toilet. I didn’t need to look. I knew what had just happened. But I did look. What I saw I will never ever forget.

I called JQ into the bathroom and told him he needed to come alone. When he got to the door I told him I lost the baby.

“No. No, no, no.” he said.
“Yes. Yes.” I replied. “I know that is what just happened.”

And with that I turned around reached into the toilet and scooped our little zygote out with my hand. “See. This is not blood clotting. This was the baby.” I don’t know why I felt compelled to pick it up. I could see it through the blood stained water in the toilet. Even though it was stained with blood  I knew what it was. It was so frighteningly obvious what it was. I think I was just in shock and at the time it did not seem gross or wrong to me. But I can’t get that image out of my head.

I tried to say good-bye. I told the little zygote that I loved it. I told it I was sorry. Then I closed the lid to the toilet, put my head down on it and cried. And cried. And cried. And cried.

I’m devastated. I’m heartbroken. I’m numb.

I feel like a part of my soul has died and I have no idea how to move forward.

50 comments to Devastation and Loss

  • oh hell Pixie. this isn’t supposed to happen. I’m so so Sorry for your loss. I don’t have any words of comfort, just know that we are all here and you can lean on us.

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  • Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry.

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  • I can not imagine what you must be going through right now. Know that you are in my thoughts. ::hugs::

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  • oh fuck, this is so so tragic. i am so damn sorry… so sorry.

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  • I’m so sorry H. I too lost someone yesterday – my dog. Died right before my eyes, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. The most horrifying thing I have ever had to witness. I don’t even know how to go on, it was so sudden and so heartbreaking.

    I know a dog isn’t the same as a baby, but my family loved the dog and she loved us back, even though we only rescued her 9 months ago. Like your baby, it was a short time together but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

    I’ll pray for you and I have been thinking about you. Writing certainly helps us work through things, so keep writing, even if it’s just nonsense about anything. We’re here to read it and go through it with you.

    x0x0 Karina

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  • StargazerHuck

    I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. There are no words. If there is anything I can do please do not hesitate.

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  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by nic, _pixie_. _pixie_ said: New blog post: Devastation and Loss http://artistmotherteacher.com/?p=1978 [...]

  • Ashley

    I am so so so sorry for you loss. I know exactly how you feel it is the same thing I went through except when mine happened we were at a party and I had a house full of people. If you need anything at all Im here for you and I know what your going through!!

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  • Kim

    I’m so sorry. Hang in there.

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  • Lisa

    Oh, sweetie… this is so tragic. I’m so sorry for the loss. You’re in my prayers.

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  • I know how happy you were and I’m angry and devastated for you.

    It is not at ALL gross or weird that you picked your baby up. All that mattered to you was that was your baby. Of course you did what you did, honey.

    I wish I could make this all better for you.

    I love you.

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  • Words cannot express how sorry I am. This post has me in tears. I am SO sorry.

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  • Jen

    I admire your strength for being able to write about it, and for including the community along with you as you went through the whole thing. I’m sure you’re feeling an entire roller-coaster of emotions right now, and will continue to do so. Including anger, frustration and annoyance at the doctors. It sucks to call someone when both you and the medical professional know things are beyond your control and nothing can be done to stop it.

    I think it’s perfectly right, appropriate and even normal for you to do what you could to say good-by to the little zygote. You’re a mom. You’re a mom to the end. There was a life, it was a part of you and a part of the life you all share and live together as a family. It will always be a part of you. Your lives are forever changed. Good-by doesn’t mean letting go. You don’t let go of something like that. My grandma endured 9 miscarriages in addition to the 4 kids she did have, and she never forgot a single one of them. Even my great-grandparents, when they later outlived her and buried her after a brief battle with lung cancer used to tell her all the time that she would be with those little ones again. My best friend miscarried her very first pregnancy,and still refers to her “little angel” and is confident that he is watching over the two daughters she does have- almost 10 years later.

    You just keep taking things in your own time. A former coworker of mine, after suffering the same situation, confided in me that she was getting really annoyed at everyone else for constantly checking in on her, asking her how she was. “I just wanna feel down when I feel down!” she vented. So that’s what you do. YOU get to decide how you go through this. Nobody else does. You loved something. Love isn’t something that comes from a faucet and can just be shut off all of a sudden. You feel what you feel until you’re done feeling it. But you can only go THROUGH those emotions, not around them. The process and the healing don’t come, otherwise. Don’t rush the process.

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  • Victoria Kamm

    How will you move forward? Hour by hour. Don’t try to go faster. You need time. You have so many wonderful people who will hold a space for you until you can say what you need next.

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  • I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face after reading your post because I didn’t want you to have to go through such a loss as this. I am so very sorry for you and JQ and G-tot. What you did, both yesterday and here today online, is admirable, honorable and real and that is why you are one of the most brave and incredible people I know. I hate that you are hurting so much and I know (a little) about what you are going through. Your little zygote was precious to you, was loved and in those final moments it was right for you to say goodbye. Losing someone you care about is never easy, no matter what the circumstances. You just take it at your own pace and you will get through. It will be hard, as I have found out, harder than anything you can imagine. But you will get through because of the people who love and care about you.

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  • damn, damn, and damn it all again. I’m so sorry…
    wish i could say something that will make it better but there arent words that can do that. hang in there, and take some time to mourn what might have been. its okay to feel its okay to cry and then cry some more. JQ its okay for you to cry, to feel etc..

    hugs many many hugs

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  • naynayfazz

    Wow Pixie. I feel so terrible right now because no one should ever have to go through what you went through. I am so very sorry.

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  • Amber

    You’ve already made the first step. You wrote about it. Shared something deeply personal, and that is an attempt to start healing. And you will, minute by minute, hour by hour. Step by step. Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. Someday it will not sting so bad. My sincere love and sympathy goes out to you and Josh.

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  • Lynda

    This is amazing, perhaps even a first step toward healing. Acknowledging it, admitting it, and staring at the face of all that fear – that is strength. You will never forget this happened. You shouldn’t. And you don’t have to heal. Keep the space the zygote took up as a place where you store your sadness, your anger, and your truth. You are amazing even as this time sucks. HUGS

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  • Oh Pixie :( I am so, so sorry…but like Amber and others have said, you made it through the first step…writing about it. Healing will come with time. I’m so sorry this happened to you guys. Sending love and positive thoughts your way.

    Xoxo

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  • This must have been so hard to write. Sending love your way – from my family to yours…

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  • Robyn

    **tears** So sad… my heart is hurting for you & Josh right now. :(

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  • Tug

    I have no words, but will continue with healing thoughts and prayers for you all. ((hugs)) and love…

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  • I am so so sorry. I know that pain all too well having lost 2 precious babies myself.
    There are no words that can soothe at a time like this.
    I’m just so very sorry. I know I don’t know you but if I was there I would give you a good long hug and again say I am so sorry.

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  • So sorry to hear this. Sending my most positive thoughts and hopes your way at this time of sorrow.

    As a male, I have no idea what you are going through, but have felt the sadness before with both friends and my mother (who miscarried before I was conceived), retelling her story to me when I was an adult.

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  • My heart is absolutely broken for you.

    My mother-in-law went through a similar experience after she had my husband, and to this day it’s still a very painful memory for her. Please know that you are loved and supported but that it’s okay to take your time and heal as slowly as you need to.

    You’re right it’s not fair, and if you want to shout expletives all day long, that’s okay too.

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  • Amy

    my heart is breaking for you, Holly and Josh.

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  • Awww Hon, all I can say is that I am thinking about you JQ and G-tot… * SMOOOCHH *

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  • Anastasia

    Oh, bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you. I wish I could give you more than that.

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  • I know that on the spot, when it just happened, it sucks to hear people tell you that it will get better…. There are no words to describe the true emptiness you can feel after losing a baby! But somewhere you know it’s true, your pain will remain but will be manageable.
    Like I told you in a tweet, it helped me to name them (I lost 4, 2 in my 1st miscarriage, a single, and my daughter’s twin…). It hurts, but it was important for me to acknowledge them!!
    It also is incredible the amount of women it happens to… You’re not alone! And you’re so right to voice it.

    Many hugs xoxoxoxo

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  • Maura

    I’m so incredibly sorry.

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  • Amanda Papke

    Hey sis, I am SO SORRY. I love you guys so much and nobody wants to have to go through that. If you need me I am always here for you even though we live 500 miles apart. Just a phone call away. 5360 is my house number feel free to call anytime for anything just if it is to talk. We are keeping you in our prayers. Love always xoxoxoxox Amanda

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  • Peggy Orenstein wrote an article called Mourning My Miscarriage where she talked about how miscarriage is a loss that people don’t really talk about. This makes it harder on the mothers that have lost their little ones. I don’t know if it will help you.

    http://www.peggyorenstein.com/articles/2002_mourning_miscarriage.html

    I can only tell you from my loss is that everyone will deal with the loss differently, cry if you need to and even though it doesn’t feel like it, time will heal.

    I’m really sorry for your loss.

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    Lotus Reply:

    I just read that article – what an excellent thing to share. I just wanted to say thanks to you.

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  • I am so, so very sorry. I wish you peace and comfort, though I know they may seem far.

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  • I’m so so so so very sorry. I’m sending you a virtual hug, things like this aren’t supposed to happen, but someone thinks your strong enough, just know that.

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  • Oh, no. I am so sorry that you’re having to experience this kind of pain. I don’t like to tell people what to do to make it better when stuff like this happens… but, it’s alright to shout expletives and be angry. It’s alright to feel like you don’t want to get over it. It’s OK to hold on to your sadness. Whatever you want to do as you experience this grief, it’s alright. It’s important to be strong, but it’s absolutely and vitally human to cry. You are prayed for and my heart is with you.

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  • Sarah

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m so so sorry.

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  • RR

    I am so sorry. I was touched when you said, “Sorry” to the zygote. It’s not your fault.

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  • amyfidler

    Thank you for being so brave to talk about such raw and real emotions. So sorry.

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  • Kym O'D

    Holly & JQ – I am so sorry to read this and hear what has happened. Please know that you are in our prayers

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  • STARSKI

    This is prolly going to be the only time you will not hear me tell you I didn’t need to hear that. I was so devastated when Biz tex’d me Saturday to tell me what happened. I was in the middle of painting this loading dock spot with a couple of friends. My heart sank and had to walk away from the wall. I couldn’t get you and JQ’s faces out of my head. I ran to the front of the dock and jumped off, walked silently to the field and just tried my hardest to close out the surroundings and send you guys my heart. (Figuratively speaking) I will never understand exactly how you feel. Heart wrenching for sure!! If my heart broke, your guys hearts were destroyed.

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  • [...] what the doctor told me right after the miscarriage. I hadn’t asked. “Trying again” was the furthest thing from my mind at that [...]

  • [...] wrote the following back in December in a notebook. Before knowing I was pregnant. Before the miscarriage. It should have been a red flag. Sometimes this is the letter I want to write to [...]

  • [...] short tale of days and numbers Saturday was 10 months since the miscarriage. Sunday marked day 42 since my last cycle—nearly 2 weeks late from a “normal” start [...]

  • [...] the past year and a half I doubted we would ever get to this point. I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to give G-tot a sibling. A comrade. [...]

  • Deep thinking – adds a new dinesmion to it all.

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  • No man want her. She has no choice. Brad was stuppid married her and stay with her for 8 years. Brad love her fugly face so she could get back to him. But Im gurantee you that, Brad will cheat her again. Because she getting old and ugly from time to time.That why Jolie wouldt want to marry him although they got 3 biological kids .

    [Reply]

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