Five Months Later

Five months ago things were really, really bad.

I was spent. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

Devastated.

For weeks after that horrifying weekend I wondered if I would ever be happy again. I wondered when it would stop hurting so much. I hoped it would be sooner than later.

I was permanently altered in those moments in the bathroom. I had fear shoved down my throat for three days and saw things I can’t unsee.

It made me scared to try again.

I’m still scared.

Reading the posts from those first few days and all of your comments has me in tears all over again. I’m not sure I can ever express just how grateful I am to have received that outpouring of love from everyone. I did not grieve alone in those first few days.

I still hate that this happened to us. I never thought a miscarriage would be how my second pregnancy would end. Now I’m afraid it will always happen to us.

I’m not sure I could handle that.

But these past five months have taught me many things about myself. Especially about my unhappiness.

I’m still figuring out how to overcome that. I’m hopeful.

And I’m getting better.

Little by little my deep-seated wounds are healing. Thankfully.

15 comments to Five Months Later

  • You are amazing. Amazing.

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    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Thank you. So are you.

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  • five months ago… i fell in love with your raw beauty. your words, your pain, your truth changed me. and five months later, i am continually grateful for the connection you and i made as a result of the devastation you survived.

    reading your words for the last 5 months, sharing each step you take in this journey you are on is nothing short of phenomenal.

    you are one of the strongest women i “know.”

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    It is amazing what we have shared over the last five months. My life would not be the same had you not stepped into it. I’m grateful for that.

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  • Not sure I how ended up here but just couldn’t leave without telling you how touched I am by your honesty and your courage to still have faith. Losing a child is heartbreaking. My 20 year old shot himself exactly 2 months ago yesterday and I have been dying inside since.

    Just wanted you to know that I really understand about the loss of a loved one.

    Hallie

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    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Hallie, thank you so much. My loss seems so different (and a little insignificant) compared to the loss you suffered with CJ. My heart broke for you and your family when I heard the news. I hope that somehow you know that there is love and hope that we will get through our loss. We will never forget and probably never truly heal but somehow we will get through. Sending love and peace to you.

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  • Holly,
    It’s tough to believe there’s a reason for everything, but I do believe that, and *know* you will keep getting better, stronger.

    Before my wife, Amy, was born, her mom had like a half dozen miscarriages. I can’t imagine having one (and being a man, I REALLY can’t imagine it). While that information may not do you any good, just know that you have a lot of support, and a lot of people hoping only the best for you and your family.
    -Mike

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Thanks Mike. I also believe there is a reason for everything. It’s a shame that some lessons need to have such heartache attached.

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  • I just read a large part of your story–following your links to the history of your announcement and then your miscarriage. I’m so sorry for all of this. For loss. And grief. And the challenge of rising past something you really don’t care to get through, but have to.

    Life moves forward. So fast. In a blur most of the time. But then these things slow us down. Cut deep. Cause pain, and hurt, and sadness.

    Hope is your answer. And time. The future is a vast expanse just waiting to be filled–the happy co-mingling with the sad and hopefully, hopefully, overtaking it.

    xo

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    It is a journey. A long hard journey of the good and the bad. And as much as I could do without the bad, I don’t suppose I would change it. It’s all a part of my story.

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  • Reading this and reading Hallie’s comment I can’t help but take note of how honored I am to know both of you and marvel at your strength and love. You are incredible women, and I am so blessed to have you as my friends. Holly, I know I have not experienced what you went through but my own struggle each month, hating my body and inability make me understand a little bit about what you went through. I love you and your strength and ability to learn to live again with the loss.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Thank you for having me as a friend.

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  • I didn’t know you then. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Thank you.

    [Reply]

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