*This is another post with too much information for some. My emotions are incredibly raw still and writing about my experience is therapeutic. If you aren’t comfortable reading about the miscarriage I encourage you to not read on and just come back another day. I won’t always be so depressing.*
I try to avoid the temptation to use Google to diagnose my problems. It just isn’t a good idea. This was especially important for me to remember over the last several days. I knew what was happening and I didn’t need the added stress of the BAD stuff I was guaranteed to find. I was freaking out plenty on my own. But I couldn’t not do it. So I did a couple of searches for first trimester bleeding on Friday when things still had a glimmer of hope around the edges. I tried very carefully to pick the ones that seemed reputable and were not Yahoo! Answers where anybody can answer the question and proceed to put more fear in you than you started with. I looked at a few with URLs that had “med” or something in the title, scanned them for hopeful information and that was it.
But here’s the thing. Sometimes if you don’t Google that crap you may not realize that what some of the BAD might be. Like this scenario. You pass a bunch of tissue all at once. You mourn your loss. You say good-bye. You try to start some sort of grieving and healing process. Then a couple days later you pass another clot the size of a silver dollar and resting within it is a tiny visible baby about the size of a nickel. There is no mistaking it.
And you have to say good-bye all over again.
That was what happened to me on Monday afternoon. And it really sucked.
Oh shit, that’s harsh. I wish you could have been spared that
so, so, SO many hugs xxx
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Me too. And it was probably an hour after I ran into extended family that hadn’t yet heard the news. Monday was harsh.
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OMG Holly I am so very sorry you are going through this. Nothing we can say will change things, but know that we are thinking of you….
Love,
K
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Thank you.
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I’m glad that at least writing about it is a little therapeutic…do what you have to do for YOU.
((HUGS)) and prayers ongoing.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
I have no idea if I’m doing this the right way. Or if there is a right way. I don’t know what do to at all.
I just know that this is where a lot of friends are, I can’t keep it bottled up, and I can’t really talk about it with the spoken word without completely breaking down. Writing seems to be the only way I can do it right now.
Thanks for the ongoing hugs and prayers. They are much needed.
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Well crud, I’m sorry …. keep writing if it helps.
BIG BIG HUGS!
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Thank you. Life can be ridiculously hard.
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Wow….. That’s horrible to read so I really feel for you that you had to go through it. Oh Miss Pixie, I am really so sorry.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Thanks. It never occurred to me that might happen. I guess I’m just glad it happened at home so we could say good-bye again.
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I’m so sorry. I wish I could do something to help you with your pain.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Just leaving your kind words here does so much.
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((HUGS))
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Thanks.
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Holy crap. I don’t even know what to say. I’m sorry? Life just sucks sometimes.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Yes it does. This is some heavy shit JQ and I are dealing with. Not easy.
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The same thing happened to me with one of my miscarriages. It was like a delayed mourning over and over again. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Yes. Delayed Mourning. I had never considered that a possibility after Saturday. It all seems so violent—the bleeding, the cramping, the evacuation. Not at all a peaceful process.
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I am so sorry. What a nightmare.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:49 pm
No kidding. My body has been so exhausted by the time I get to bed I’ve managed to avoid it actually creeping into my dreams so far. Thankfully.
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I know that we have never been close, but I feel SO BAD for your loss! I can’t even pretend to know what you are going through, but know my heart truely goes out to you! I know you are a strong woman, but I also know it is ok to grieve and be devistated over a loss like that! I was SO HAPPY when I read you were pregnant, but hated to find out that joy was stollen from you in so harsh and cruel a fasion! Know that you are in my thoughts, and I wish you well!
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Thanks Brian.
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I’m kind of surprised your doc. didn’t order blood tests to monitor whether your levels were going down. Course I did that and they never bothered to call with the test results I had to have a friend in medicine check the results and have to break the bad news, course by then it became evident all on it’s own. I’m sorry I know there are no words I felt your pain like I was going through it all over again. You have many wonderful friends, lean on them.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I go in for blood work tomorrow to check on my levels. Then probably again next week depending on the results.
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Erin Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
talk about just dragging you through it! My tests were done for 3 days straight. Hang tough doll.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
I couldn’t go today or Friday for blood work. Then it’s the weekend and can’t do it again before Tuesday or Thursday. I see the doctor next Thursday for the first time since it happened. My insurance doesn’t do in office ultrasounds so I had to go elsewhere for those. Lab work is done outside of the office too.
Just works out that way I guess.
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Erin Reply:
January 20th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
I know but we don’t have to like it. You need those tests no matter what anyway. Always fun having blood work anyway….not.
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I am so sorry to read about this. To have to go through all that pain and mourning again must have been unbearable. I am thinking of you and wishing I was there to give you a huge hug.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 29th, 2010 at 10:14 am
Thanks hon.
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