I’m scared.
I wasn’t before last week but now that I’ve told the world our news it feels so much more real. And that scares me. A lot.
I’m scared that something bad is going to happen.
I’m scared that I told everybody “too early”—whatever that means.
I’m scared at every painful twinge I feel in my uterus—no matter how minute.
I’m scared shitless after reading this post.
And you people really need to stop posting the “dead babies” status on Facebook. Forget taboo, it’s just depressing to see that every time I launch Facebook. Don’t you know FB is for mindless chatter and stupid games? Remembering dead babies is so not what I need to read right now. Give a pregnant lady a break won’t you?
I’m really scared that when I came home from the doctor’s today and peed I swore I saw a tinge of blood when I wiped. Not visible red blood or any spotting but—sorry for the TMI that comes next—a wipe that just looked too dark and swirling with that “almost the end of my cycle” kind of stuff. You ladies know what I’m talking about. But my in-laws had come over for dinner so I had to put on a happy face for the next couple of hours before I could tell JQ. Inside I felt like I was dying. My heart was breaking while I made pork chops and served mini chocolate ganache cakes. I didn’t want to be losing my little zygote.
As soon as they left I grabbed the extra pregnancy test out of the linen closet and shut myself in the bathroom. Still two pink lines. No questionable discolored wipe after I peed this time. But I couldn’t get that earlier pee out of my head. I came out of the bathroom with my jeans in my hands and just broke down and cried. I felt so helpless and scared for those two hours.
I don’t want to be scared.
Update 1.15: Woke up this morning with the same experience of that first pee yesterday. And cramping. Then with the next one actual blood. Not a tiny mix but actual red blood. Which sent me into a full on breakdown. Called the doctor and was sent for an ultrasound a couple hours later. The sonographer puts me at 5 wks and 6 days which is just the mark where they can detect anything on their machines. The ever so invasive trans-vaginal ultrasound detected a small flutter and I briefly heard the woosh-woosh of a heartbeat. I’m still really shaken up by the whole thing and still cramping. So I’m going to just try to take it easy for a few days. If you need me, I’ll be on the couch.
Update #2, 1.15: Lots more blood loss. Complete with clots—which will totally freak you out when you see it. Major cramping. Called the doctor. Ultrasound results came back fine. Said to get off my feet, get some rest and try to relieve some anxiety. Also wants to do another ultrasound in 10–14 days. Please keep sending your positive thoughts my way.
It was after you came home from the doctor’s. Remember that key bit.
You are safe.
Zygote is safe
Love you.
*HUGE HUG*
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*pixie* Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:39 pm
All the doctor did was talk to me today. I’m so glad I had that extra test in the cupboard. It really helped calm me down.
Thanks for the love. Hugs back at ya.
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Minish Reply:
January 15th, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Off your feet = good. Lots of rest = good.
Do you need me to do anything for you? Is JQ making dinner? Do you want me to send pizza or something? Maybe one of those pasta meals from Pizza Hut? Ribs or wings or subs from Gino’s? I’d offer to come over and make something, but I know people in the house would just stress you out.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:11 am
Thanks Hon. JQ took good care of my last night. Think I’m just going to continue to take it easy over the next couple of days. Which means I’ll probably miss the RogueWorks/Devicious event, but such is life.
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I saw your tweet and ran to the first computer I could find. I was so worried that someting had happened and was so relieved to find out nothing had. But I completely understand your fears and worries. Having myself just gone through the emotions of really wanting to be pregnant and once again finding out I am not I can only imagine how it must exponentiate when you are pregnant and there is a twinge of that uncertaincy. I am thinking of you and your little zygote (love that
) and sending you the positive love and vibe that you need right now. And I don’t know anything about the dead baby thing on FB but I am ready to kick some ass in that department too. 
Have JQ hold you and whisper love in your ear and I bet tomorrow you’ll feel loads better. And when you’re scared again, you have us all to help you through.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
You guys have me bawling all over again. In a good, I’m so glad I have you as friends sort of way, but bawling nonetheless.
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I totally remember being terrified for the first 4 months. It’ll go fast. Before you know it, you’ll be having your 20 week ultrasound.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
I just have to keep telling myself to stay calm and not stress out. That’s the last thing I need is added stress.
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You have to remember you just had an exam… keep that in mind!!! (otherwise you’ll go broke buying pregnancy tests!)
Sending you good thoughts! It will be okay!
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*pixie* Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:44 pm
No real exam, just basically talked with the doctor. She even asked if I had had any spotting or bleeding—which I answered “No” to confidently. If she would have made me pee on a stick in the office I would have felt much better. At least I had one left at home. That’s why you always buy the multi-pack, right?
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Wow, ditto what Vegas Princess said! I got a little panicky feeling when I saw this on the FB live feed. It’s sincerely important to me that you have a healthy, stress-free pregnancy. That’s because you’re someone I consider a real friend. If there is anything at all that I can do– take weird photos and send them to you to make you laugh, send an AZ care package– just say the word. And yes– no clue what the dead babies thing is, either. Sorry you saw something like that at a time like this–how horrible.
Man, all I want to do is throw my arms around you in a big ol’ Armsweaty hug!!! (doesn’t that sound appealing? Mmmm!)
PS: Go read “My Custom Van” ASAP. It will definitely cheer you up! I personally think that distracting yourself from every little twinge is the best thing right now. It’s healthier for the zygote that way. Plus– you want that little bugger to know the sound of your laughter. So get smilin’.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:13 am
An Armsweaty hug sounds excellent. Thanks for just being my friend and being *here* for me. That means more than you might imagine.
I do have “My Custom Van” marked as a “to-read” on my GoodReads list thanks to your glowing review. Maybe a trip to the library sooner than later is in order.
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Ew…. I never knew people talk about dead babies on Facebook. Well, I am sure they do because people like to talk about a lot of crazy stuff on that site. I agree- Facebook is supposed to be fun and not morbid and/or way too personal. Sorry you had to see something like that.
I hope everything turns out to be okay. I have heard that the brown, older type blood (as opposed to red blood, I mean) is normal during early pregnancy, although seeing it probably doesn’t make you feel better. You did say your doctor talked to you and you feel a bit better so I am sure, by now, your worries have subsided somewhat.
I am crossing my fingers and hoping you have a smooth, happier pregnancy from here on out. MUAH! (that was a kiss, btw)
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Yeah, it’s one of those “If you known a life touched by…” things. Pretty much a downer if you ask me.
As you know, I ended up bleeding tons of red clotty blood yesterday. It was one of the worst days I’ve ever had. Hopefully that is behind us and the pregnancy will proceed in a happy healthy manner.
Hugs.
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I don’t see dead baby stuff but I am sure our circles don’t completely overlap.
I am glad the little zygote is fine. Call your doctor in the morning for your own piece of mind, if you need to. That’s what they are there for.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:19 am
I called the doctor so many times yesterday. So very, very scary. I’m still not convinced that all is well but I’m hopeful. I guess that’s all I can be.
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I’m sure Josh is scared a little (a lot), too. I think that leaning on and supporting each other is key. I am a cyberchondriac, so I think I probably made my wife’s las pregnancy hell. I wish you all the best! G-tot needs someone to eventually beat up and then defend from other people trying to beat him/her up.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:20 am
Let’s all say it together: “Google is not a reliable doctor.”
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As a woman whose had two miscarriages and a mom who has two beautiful girls I understand completely. What you saw is not at all abnormal and I know you’re scared. After the first two loses when I got pregnant again I think I pee’d twice as much just to check constantly for the color(sorry TMI)which I only had after my doc with the big fingers checked me(whoa way TMI). Thinking nothing but good thoughts for you!!
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:33 am
Very scared. Thanks for sending good thoughts my way. Please keep them coming.
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Hadn’t heard the news, babe. I have faith that all will be well. Fingers crossed.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Thanks Karl.
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Holly – Being scared does suck. When I was preg with Aria, had some break-thru bleeding in January (got pregnant in Nov, don’t remember number of weeks). Scared as hell. Doc sent me for ultrasound, and, as you know, everything was fine. Then, I thought I’d quit worrying after the first trimester. Then I thought I’d quit worrying when she was born. Then I realized, I will never stop worrying, even when she’s my age. It goes with the territory of being a mom.
I am sending positive thoughts and energy to you and Little Zyg.
Love you,
Amber
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Keep it coming. I’m still really unsure of the path that lies ahead.
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Oh hun, I remember those days. Early on the fear comes easily, but you have to try not to worry. I know you have heard the flutter of the heartbeat, so you’re A LOT calmer now.
Try not to stress to much, think happy thoughts
xoxo
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:37 am
All the blood that followed the flutter left me more unsure of things than I was yesterday morning. Now I feel like I have no idea what is going on.
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This may be dumb to say, but TRY to take it easy and TRY to let your mind find some peace.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 10:38 am
I’m trying. Oh boy, am I ever trying. The peace of mind is the hardest part.
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I am thinking of you and have gone into full prayer mode. I’m a bit rusty, haven’t used the prayer thing in a very long time but I am trying hard because I want this to get better for you. Try and take it easy and relax. I know, easier said than done. I am open for mindless chitchat if you need a distraction.
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I can’t say I know what you are going through, but I can say I’m sending my positive thoughts and energy your way!
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I’m sure you meant relieve anxiety….lots of people thinking about you. Sending you big hugs via the airwaves.
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I hope all is well. Sending positive juju to you.
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*pixie* Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
All is not well. I lost the baby this morning. Thank you anyway for the positive juju.
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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I’m so so sorry.
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Sometimes life can just suck. But this tough time and this pain will pass. Cry when you need to, lean on Josh (that’s what he’s there for), and focus on your beautiful son. In time, you will feel better. And the future will look bright again.
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