I suppose it has just been one of those days. Or even just one of those weekends. Because when I think about it, I have cried at least once each of these past three days.
I’m not sure what my problem is.
But it isn’t very pretty.
Maybe it’s some sort of hormonal imbalance.
I mean, I’m a completely sensitive jackass regardless. Plus, I still haven’t had a period since the miscarriage. Which has to be throwing my hormones completely out of whack. Mix it together and kapow—you have a bat-shit crazy woman on your hands.
JQ is so lucky.
I cried today playing trains with G-tot. Trains. Which aren’t inherently sad. G-tot was pretending that Madge the truck had to go to work and Gordon the train engine had to go to school so he needed to say goodbye to Madge. Except he kept saying “mommy” instead of “Madge”.
“Goodbye Mommy.”
“I love you Mommy.”
And I cried. Because that is exactly how it is in our house on the mornings I work. Right down to the kiss goodbye he made sure Gordon gave Madge.
Then I cried more when JQ jokingly told G-tot to tell me to stop crying so much. Which is probably more like half-jokingly because, HOLY CRAP, I cry a lot.
Clearly I have some issues to work through.
So here I am at this moment in my life wondering if I really am coping with things well.
Some days I don’t feel like it at all.
Some days I feel like I’m stuck inside my head internalizing all my feelings because I don’t know how to communicate them without crying.
Some days I say nothing and still cry.
Good gravy I think I need some therapy.
Its hormones, i have been there. I hope it gets better soon
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Hormones are a bitch.
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Whatever’s going on, it is ok to cry….at least that’s what I tell myself every day.
And next time you play trains with G-Tot, you have to record it so we can see it, because DAMN that whole thing sounds so awesome and precious….
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:30 pm
I think I need to be told that too. My emotions are what they are. I can’t deny that.
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I cried at a basketball game last night… A BASKETBALL GAME. AT HALF TIME. FOR NO APPARENT REASON. And I didn’t even have a miscarriage that sent my hormones into orbit. But I heard Eve Ensler’s TED talk from this past autumn, in which she owns the fact that girls are EMOTIONAL CREATURES. I’m hanging on to that as a lifeline. I can’t afford therapy at the moment, so chalking it up to just being a girl works fine for me. And all the tears are solving the dry-eye problem I tend to have in the winter, so… win-win!
Hang in there. And embrace the tears. You have the power of feeling. It is a gift.
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:31 pm
I think I need to print those last two sentences out and hang them up. Thank you for that.
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what you’re feeling… whatever it is… there is no right or wrong. there simply can’t be, because it’s how you feel and you can’t deny that. it is how you feel and what you are experiencing as a result of an unfair and painful loss.
cry. play. cry again. and deal the only way you know how… even when you don’t know how, you have continued to put one foot in front of the other.
the hardest part is just putting your shoes on. the steps come from there.
sending love and light.
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:32 pm
You’re right, I can’t deny that. I’m learning a lot about myself going through all of this. Definitely a defining arc in my path.
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I think it’s good that you are talking about this, and opening up to your friends in the blog-world, because that way you are acknowledging it for the life-moment it is. You can’t ignore your emotions, and in fact, you’re doing a great job working through the groundswell you’ve been forced to go through the past several weeks. Just keep being patient with yourself, and don’t be ashamed or feel guilty about shedding some tears. It only makes you stronger! {hugs and kisses, yeah…kisses, right on your MOUTH, how ya like that? Huh?)
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:36 pm
What can I say but
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I have discovered crying is very theraputic. Lord knows I do enough of it these days. I have always been sensitive but when I am crying over the mother in Newsies singing about her lost son for four bars there is something wrong. My therapy starts soon and I am actually looking forward to it. I hope to get a grip on my emotions. Talking about things helps. Whether you do it on here or professionally or both it will be good for you. because keeping everything inside doesn’t help at all, in my experience.
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Patrick, darling,
Since you left me I am undone
Mother loves you!
God, save my son!
*Hugs*
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I really hope that things are happier for you soon, however you might choose to get there. I’m quite sure there isn’t a right or wrong way to deal, so do what feels right at the time and if crying was it this weekend, so be it.
Sending good thoughts your way.
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*pixie* Reply:
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:40 pm
Thanks.
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