March 3, 2010.
That is going to be one of those dates I remember for a very long time. Like December 30, 1999—the day JQ and I shared our first kiss. Or August 17, 2008—the last day I breastfed G-tot. Those are days I hope to never forget.
March 3, 2010 was a Wednesday.
It was also the day that I had a complete emotional breakdown. One that left me nonfunctional and in a puddle of my own self loathing and despair. I was completely and utterly broken.
Something just snapped.
I taught two classes that day without any problem. I felt good. And then around 2:00 it all fell apart. I found myself standing in my office sobbing uncontrollably.
It was really bad.
There was no way I could finish out the day. So I went to let somebody know and when I got to her door I broke down all over again. That’s just not something an emotionally stable person does.
I drove home through more tears.
It was that afternoon that I knew I needed to get help.
I think that I’ve known for awhile now that I could use some help and have been in denial.
I wrote the following back in December in a notebook. Before knowing I was pregnant. Before the miscarriage. It should have been a red flag.
Sometimes this is the letter I want to write to myself.
What the hell is wrong with you? You are living a mediocre life and are settling for far too little. You’re a shitty communicator and relentlessly selfish. That’s why your relationship tends to be so dysfunctional. You know what the problem is yet day after day you refuse to change it. Therapy would probably do you wonders. Don’t be ashamed of it. Nobody has it all figured out and many probably feel just as fucked up as you do. You can’t keep internalizing it. Or one of these days you’ll snap.
You’re 33 and far better than the life you let yourself live. You are on the cusp but if you continue to sit idly by then you will stay right there. You don’t come from money or connections and are going to have to work that much harder to achieve what you really want. You don’t have time for the bullshit laziness.
I always told myself it was something I could overcome on my own.
“It’s not that bad.” I lied.
I way lying to myself about my own mental stability and happiness. Who does that?
So on the morning of March 4, 2010 I dug out the card with the name and number of a therapist on it that my OB-GYN had given me in January. I called her. And much to my dismay she wasn’t in my network. Stupid insurance.
I felt completely lost again. I can’t just pick a therapist out of the phone book. I could end up with some nutjob that way.
That’s when I decided to call my primary care physician. I was hopeful he could recommend someone and at the very least he could do SOMETHING for me.
He decided a 30 day prescription of Zoloft would be the right thing for me.
More precisely 100 mg of Zoloft.
With much hesitation I took that first pill on a Friday night. I knew there would be some adjusting to the medication and I thought taking it in the evening would offset some of the side effects.
I was so wrong.
I felt like some drugged out zombie the entire next day.
I couldn’t function like that. Even if it was just temporary. I wouldn’t have a clear head in an emergency and there is no way I could have gone to work feeling high and still depressed.
And 100 mg to START? What the hell Dr. Overdose?
I still have 29 pills in the medicine cabinet.
I never took a second pill. I’m just not a pill taker. Never have been.
Fortunately, Dr. Overdose also gave me the names of a few therapists that were in my network. I called the one he recommended by name rather than by group.
On March 26, 2010 I went to my first appointment with a psychologist. EVER.
I have had six sessions so far. The first couple I cried pretty much the entire hour. At one session a few weeks ago I didn’t shed a tear.
I think that may be a sign of progress.
I’m really glad I made that call. I deserve it.
::closing my eyes and wishing to hug you::
you never cease to amaze me.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
::wishing for the same::
I don’t have the words to say just how important us connecting has become to me. I wish you were coming to NYC a day early so I could cash in on that hug.
Someday.
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Been there. Done that. Took the pills. Went off the pills. Realized I wanted more. Started to talk about it.
We’re always changing. We’re always learning. We’re always growing. We’re always healing.
And you are too.
You’re amazing Holly. And that’s a pill you will learn to swallow.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Thank you. It’s a shame you and Justin don’t live closer. I also am so glad we ended up in that Art and Process of the Book class together. You are of the good people variety Lynda. The Universe is lucky to have you in it.
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We have more in common than you may know girl! I hope to chat with you at #smbtoledo if you can make it. I should write my own blog on my events and then we can share the rollercoaster notes together. Hugs to you in the meantime.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:11 pm
Thanks Amanda. Those SMBToledo events are so early but I’m going to try to make it.
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Drugs are bad, mmmkay? Having screwed around with them and my PCP for far too long I would recommend never never never listening to a PCP about any sort of depression or anxiety meds. You need a Psychiatrist for that. Having seen a psychiatrist I can tell you that thy will experiment with drugs like a college kid at a rave. I’m looking for a new one, mine closed his office yesterday which gives me a great reason to seek out something else. I need help getting off my meds, and I need therapy. Now why didn’t I call my PCP’s office for a referral yet?
Hang in there, I know you will be fine. It will take time, but you have lots of folks here that care about you if you ever need anything.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
I’ve already talked to my therapist about not want to be on any medication. We both agree that is not the right answer at this point. I know we talked about meds and docs via DM or Twitter in general back when I was going through the beginning stages of this. And I know they are great for some people but I don’t think I’m that person.
You hang in there too. We both have a lot of people that care about our well being. That’s pretty awesome.
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I HIGHLY recommend Dr. Doukides. He’s at the corner of Holland-Sylvania and Sylvania. Amazing guy and he has some stellar therapists too. He tends to run behind quite often, so plan to be there for a bit or call ahead to see if he’s running on time.
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Minish Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
YMMV, but my experience with Dr. Doukides was quite negative. QUITE.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I’m not leaving my PCP. I rarely see him—the previous visit was probably 5 years ago. I don’t really go see a PCP that often. And judging from my inability to keep it together during this recent visit he probably thought I could use some heavy sedation.
Since I’m not a regular when it comes to using prescription meds I had no idea at first that dose was so high. 20 mg would have been plenty. But at 20 mg I probably wouldn’t have stopped taking them. I think it’s better this way.
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by nic, Holly. Holly said: New post: Facing Depression http://artistmotherteacher.com/index.php/2010/06/facing-depression/ [...]
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/6/25/five-star-fridays-109th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-mark-tw.html
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
Thanks for the honor!
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100 to start ! Oy, well, nice effort, but too much me thinks! I’m
I’m proud of you for writing this post…I know it wasn’t easy!
Glad you found someone to talk to and that it’s been helping.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:30 pm
Way too much for this chick. But that’s okay. I know my body enough to realize I shouldn’t be taking them. And I like my therapist. We’ve even discussed the blog.
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You are the only one that can be you, and I applaud you for making the choice to better yourself, as well as loving yourself. If that means drugs, therapy or even running around in a pink unicorn costume, so be it. You are worthy of everything your heart desires. I’m so glad I’ve been able to be a small part of your world Holly. ?
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Now I want a pink unicorn costume.
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That question mark at the end, please to disregard. Crazy fingers.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
Sure…
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Been there, still wearing the t-shirt. I have my good and bad days…more good days than bad days lately, though.
You will get through this. I will give you a huge hug when I see you in August.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
I’m counting on it. All of it. Especially that hug.
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Good thoughts coming your way.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Thank you.
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If you ever need to talk, you have my number…and my email address…and know where I work…and know where I live.
Based on my experience in this realm, I can make two suggestions:
1) You are allowed to be proactive. This includes saying “no” and firing mental health providers. (Been there, done that.)
2) While I’m not sure it would make sense if I said “remember to enjoy the journey”, I hope you’ll find it rings true if I say “Remember to pay attention to the journey.”
You know I love you.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
June 25th, 2010 at 10:36 pm
1. Absolutely. We know ourselves much better than anyone else. Now if we would only listen a little better.
2. Paying attention to and enjoying the journey are the reason I only took one pill. I don’t want to do it in a haze.
I know you do. Thank you.
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I’m so glad that you finally made that call. Taking the plunge can be frightening and difficult, but ends up being so worth it. Congratulations on doing this for yourself!
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 10:03 am
It was really frightening to make that call and admit to myself and others that I needed help. But it is getting better. I can actually recognize that now. Which is good.
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Thanks for sharing. Not much to add, but there is no shame in any of this. Anyone who has been on the internet for more than a week knows that this type of depression is pretty common amongst creative people.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 10:05 am
You’re right. Blogging has helped me discover that I’m not alone in A LOT of the problems and difficulties I’m facing in life.
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I am so glad you made that call and that your sessions are helping. I have yet to make the call myself. It’s been over six months and I know I need to talk to someone but life keeps getting in the way (pesky bum knee, surgery, PT, moving) Perhaps now that my physical self is somewhat better and we are back out on our own I can start to work on my mental self. I have good days and bad, but lately more good than bad so I hem and haw and think maybe I don’t need anything. I still wish my MIL would go, I know it would help her a lot. She still harbors guilt. Me, I have guilt over being so frustrated towards her.
I am so sorry this comment turned into all about me. I meant to focus on you and how wonderful it is that you are talking to someone. You are an inspiration.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 9:39 am
No apologies needed. This is a place to vent—if the topic is you that’s okay! I really think you should make that call now that you are getting some control back over your life. Having someone to talk to in order to get your mental self back on track helps immensely with getting the rest of your life in order. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!
ALL of YOU.
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You did the right thing. And oddly enough, sitting in a therapy sessions and bawling the entire time is something I’m pretty familiar with. Been there, done that, more than once. Hang in there, Holly, you’re life is a good one, but depression may not allow you to appreciate it when you’re down. Take good care of yourself (that was the mantra of my former boss, the Chief Psychologist where I work) – you DO deserve it.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Thanks Amber. And you are so right—I do have a good life. It’s too bad that the sucky parts overshadow all the good. Not that there is MORE bad than good, just that the bad is so ugly that it drowns out the good, you know?
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My thoughts are with you. I too have recently started seeing a therapist to work out some issues. It was a tough step, as I always thought I could work anything out myself. Depression is tough and not something we can overcome alone. I’m proud of you and wish you all the best. Good luck! Know that you’re not alone and you have support out here in blog-land!
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
It’s definitely not something we can overcome on our own. And as much as I used to laugh at those commercials about “Who does Depression affect?” they were right, it really is everyone around you. I don’t want that. I don’t think anybody does.
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You’re very strong and brave to admit it all to yourself, and face the ugliness of a breaking point. It’s awful to read what you wrote to yourself in your notebook, because I have written more than a few similar entries in my notebook. I don’t like to imagine other people, people I care about, feeling THAT feeling…that utter despair… but while I’m unhappy to hear you are going through this, I have to admit that it’s good for any of us who feel this way to kind-of band together, share our stories, because it does help us grow stronger. It puts faces (and souls) on things, reminds us we truly are not alone in dealing with this. The alone-ness is of it can be crippling.
Thank you for sharing this. I heart you, and I’m sending you a big, warm and slightly-too-tight virtual hug.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I like those big, warm and slightly-too-tight virtual hugs from you. I kind of wish they didn’t have to be virtual.
Thank you for calling me brave and strong. I certainly don’t feel that way too often. I just do what I know. It isn’t always pretty but it is MY truth. I can’t hide from that.
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You do deserve it. I had to go see someone before. And I understand what you mean about the drugs. I couldn’t do that either. Mine was the result of the death of my oldest son’s father. It was a terrible time in my life. But I worked through it and moved on. I needed help, and I got it. You will get through this. And you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:
July 14th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Thanks Meredith. I’m not giving up until I DO get through this. Fuck Depression.
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