Just a little bit longer.

Just until I was sure it wouldn’t be snatched away the moment I revealed it. My husband was the only other person that knew. Turns out it didn’t matter if we kept it to ourselves.

I kept it a secret and it was still stolen from me.

I knew it the moment I saw the first drops of blood.

My husband knew exactly what I meant when I walked down the basement steps, met his eyes, and said, “I’m bleeding.”

Our secret no longer needed to be kept.

It would never get to be revealed.

There would be no excitement.
No fawning over sonograms.
No baby.

JQ asked me the other day if we should tell G-tot our secret. I shook my head no, “not yet”. If…IF…if things went wrong, I couldn’t bear to have to explain that to him. Not again. I couldn’t dangle the prospect of a sibling in front of him and then snatch it away. He doesn’t deserve that—not now. Not ever.

But then, neither do we.

And yet…once again…it is my reality.

Once again I would find myself fighting off the pain and wiping away the endless flow of tears as the blood poured out of me.

Then just before dinner on Halloween I would feel it leave my body. This time I wouldn’t call my husband into the bathroom. This time I would just stare into the toilet myself.

Say may goodbyes alone.

And flush my dreams of another child away.

Lately I’ve been lucky to get one new post a week written.

That little fact makes the idea of committing to one post a day for the next 30 days seem a little daunting.

I don’t like to fail.

I don’t want to say I’m going to do it if I don’t think I can. And frankly, I’m not sure I have it in me this year.

Part of me thinks that is exactly the reason I should do it.

I’ve lost a little of that loving feeling when it comes to blogging and I miss it.

So…for the fourth year in a row I’m going to give NaBloPoMo a go.

It isn’t always going to be pretty. Some days it might not be any thing more than a photograph. But it will be a lesson in discipline and commitment.

Are you in?

I mean really, just over 60 days and the year is over? That’s crazy. This has been a ridiculous year for us. Starting out full of devastation and confusion. Becoming this amazing summer full of opportunities and growth. But fall is quickly tripping into winter and all of a sudden it’s November.

And you know what November signifies in some realms of the blog world right?

NaBloPoMo.

National Blog Posting Month. Thirty posts in thirty days. No exceptions. No cheating. Hopefully no crap.

For many of you posting every day is already ingrained in your system. Not for me. I blog when I feel compelled and lately I haven’t been compelled to do it that often. So, for the third year in a row, I have signed up for NaBloPoMo. I really enjoy the challenge and find the entire process to be a good exercise in writing. Something I can always use improvement on.

This has been an interesting year for me with regards to blogging. There are many more local people that read my blog that may only know me in a professional aspect. Or family. So I have struggled with what I want to write versus what I want others to read. Finding that balance of sharing my life in a community that I adore so much and not sharing so much that it affects my current employment situation has been difficult. At times it has been stifling. I think writing everyday for the next month will address some of that for me.

It will be a challenge but I’m looking to come out of this with some new snippet of self-growth. I imagine I won’t edit myself as much as I have been lately. Which I need. I’ve lost myself a little over the past year. I’m hoping to find that bit and share it with the world again.

I hope she isn’t too shy.