No tissues in my pocket at the end of the night

I have cried every day for the last two and a half weeks. Some of those tears came in giant waves, ripping apart my heart as they flowed non-stop from my eyes. Some of them were single tears that spilled over the edge of my eyelids in my failed attempt to keep it all together. And then there were all the other tears. They came too. They have graced me with their presence at least once every day for the past two and a half weeks.

Every day but Saturday.

And let me tell you something, it felt so good to not cry for that one entire day.

It was kind of a big deal for me.

You see, on Saturday JQ had a gig at a funky little bar in Maumee called The Village Idiot. Always fun and always peppered with people I’ve known in my lifetime. Plus they have amazing pizza there. Like the Greek one that has feta, artichoke hearts, olives, banana peppers, and tomatoes on it. Yum.

Anyway.

I’m not sure if it was because the gig was in the town we grew up in or what, but my grandma offered to take G-tot overnight so I could go see JQ play. So I did. And so did approximately 25 of our friends and family members. Most of whom I hadn’t seen since the miscarriage. But all of them already knew and I was actually able to talk briefly about it and accept their condolences without crying.

Without crying.

And since I spent the previous fourteen days in tears and generally avoiding the company of others it was a pretty big deal. Maybe I had enough distractions throughout the day that I didn’t have time to dwell on the loss and the grief. Maybe it was the full moon. Maybe it was the music.

Whatever it was it felt really good. I think I’m ready for more of those tear-free days.

16 comments to No tissues in my pocket at the end of the night

  • So glad you had that! You go girl! And you’ll see, at some point it’ll be like that everyday, you won’t forget the baby, it’ll just be part of your history….

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    *pixie* Reply:

    Me too. You’re right, I won’t ever forget. It’s part of my life story now.

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  • Glad to hear you have had at least one good day in the past few weeks. I hope you have more and more in the future. You deserve it.

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    *pixie* Reply:

    I think I’m ready for them too. Being able to talk about it without getting all choked up was huge step for me. It was nice.

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  • I wish you much congratulations on your tear free day, and also congrats for the 14 days of tears. As you said, the tears are good. And so is the ceasing of tears. May you have many, many more days where music and laughter usurp the place of tears!

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    *pixie* Reply:

    Thanks Emma. The tears were necessary. Getting them out has been really helpful in my grieving process. But not needing them for a day was nice too.

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  • :) good for you. continuing to send you strength and peace.

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    *pixie* Reply:

    I’ve come a long way in this very intense life-changing experience in just a few weeks. Crazy how your life can be forever altered in a brief moment.

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    nic @mybottlesup Reply:

    yes… crazy indeed. altered forever. a part of you forever. not all… but a part.

    you have most definitely come a long way in this very intense life-changing experience. it is obvious in your palpable writing. please don’t stop.

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  • I was super happy to read this. I hope it continues to get better with each day

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    *pixie* Reply:

    I think it is. Thankfully.

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  • Glad to hear you are slowly coming back to yourself. Tears are very healing, but it’s nice to be back to a new “normal” as well.

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    *pixie* Reply:

    “A new normal.” I like that. It is exactly that.

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  • Icanhasdiary

    This made me smile. It really is getting better! I <3 you and admire you. You ROCK!

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    *pixie* Reply:

    :) This comment made me smile.

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  • Things may never be the same but we can learn to live with how they are now. I am slowly learning that and it’s very hard. But as strong as you are, I know there will be many more tear-free days ahead. :)

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