Sometimes I Swear My Body Is Mocking Me

“As soon as you have one normal cycle you can try again.”

That’s what the doctor told me right after the miscarriage. I hadn’t asked. “Trying again” was the furthest thing from my mind at that point. I had JUST lost a baby. I was scared that is would happen again. So scared that I wasn’t sure I would EVER be ready to try again.

But Mother Nature is relentless in moving forward with life and just a month after that conversation with my doctor I would indeed have a regular cycle. When it ended I would start to panic. The doctor’s words would constantly run through my head.

Now it was in my hands.

It was up to us.

We didn’t have to use birth control anymore.

We could “try again”.

I really wasn’t sure WHAT to do at that point. Sure, I would like to have another baby. I’m not so sure I could handle losing a baby again. And THAT is always in the back of my mind.

Then again, I can’t let the things that happen in the past hold me back from living my life right now. So we stopped using birth control. We weren’t actually trying, but we also weren’t trying NOT to get pregnant. We were leaving it up to the Fates. To chance. Whatever happened was what was meant to happen.

It has been nearly 40 days since that first “normal” cycle. I haven’t had another. So Monday afternoon I picked up a pregnancy test.

I peed on the stick.

Three minutes later there was just one pink line.

I wasn’t pregnant.

And it made me REALLY sad.

I guess I actually am ready to try again.

14 comments to Sometimes I Swear My Body Is Mocking Me

  • [...] more here:  Sometimes I Swear My Body Is Mocking Me « artistmotherteacher.com By admin | category: body, body on me | tags: body, doctor, doctor-told, furthest, [...]

  • Jen

    Give your body time. Everything I’ve ever read says two things: 1) your period is a sign that “everything is in proper working order”,
    2) It takes a woman’s body 3 cycles to actually settle down/normalize/equalize again after a pregnancy. Whether that pregnancy was to term or not, it seems to take 3 months for the hormones to return to any sense of balance. This has been quoted for everything from moodiness to attempts at weight loss and I bet it would be a good rule of thumb to follow for any pending pregnancies, as well.

    Relax. Take your time. Listen to your body and follow your heart.

    [Reply]

    *pixie* Reply:

    I’m trying. It is just so weird to have had a regular cycle pattern for so many years and suddenly my body is completely out of whack. I’m STILL waiting…

    [Reply]

  • I’m all choked up. And that’s all I can get out of me to say other than a cautiously optimistic “good luck”.

    Good luck. :)

    [Reply]

    *pixie* Reply:

    Thank you. :)

    [Reply]

  • Oh sweetie… I have no words and I can’t pretend to understand. But I am here and holding you in my heart.

    [Reply]

    *pixie* Reply:

    I really didn’t expect to be so sad by the one pink line. Like I said, we weren’t necessarily TRYING. It was a wave of grief I didn’t anticipate that afternoon. Odd how the body & mind work.

    [Reply]

  • I can not tell you how many times I have gone through this same experience each and every month for the last year. While I did not have the heart-wrenching loss that you had I still feel that pang when I see that one pink line or get my dreaded monthly visitor six or seven days late. Every single time it is another loss. But then I remember we can try again next month. We can always try again.

    [Reply]

    *pixie* Reply:

    It is another loss. When you build up the anticipation of being pregnant and then suddenly discover you aren’t it hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot more than you anticipated. But, it is hard NOT to build up that anticipation when you are late. Uggh.

    [Reply]

  • Hugs.

    Wishing I could take your pain away and put happiness in its place.

    [Reply]

    *pixie* Reply:

    Thanks. Hugs back at you. I really didn’t expect to be so sad. I guess I didn’t know what to expect and being SO late I thought I’d see 2 lines for sure. Stupid body.

    [Reply]

  • Tug

    Aw…I wish I could take your hurt away, but I know I can’t. I can, however, offer many ((hugs)) and prayers.

    [Reply]

    *pixie* Reply:

    I will take the hugs and the prayers. :)

    [Reply]

  • [...] It made me scared to try again. [...]

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