Stolen Secrets and Broken Hearts

I clutched my secret close to my chest and reminded myself day after day to keep it hidden.

Just a little bit longer.

Just until I was sure it wouldn’t be snatched away the moment I revealed it. My husband was the only other person that knew. Turns out it didn’t matter if we kept it to ourselves.

I kept it a secret and it was still stolen from me.

I knew it the moment I saw the first drops of blood.

My husband knew exactly what I meant when I walked down the basement steps, met his eyes, and said, “I’m bleeding.”

Our secret no longer needed to be kept.

It would never get to be revealed.

There would be no excitement.
No fawning over sonograms.
No baby.

JQ asked me the other day if we should tell G-tot our secret. I shook my head no, “not yet”. If…IF…if things went wrong, I couldn’t bear to have to explain that to him. Not again. I couldn’t dangle the prospect of a sibling in front of him and then snatch it away. He doesn’t deserve that—not now. Not ever.

But then, neither do we.

And yet…once again…it is my reality.

Once again I would find myself fighting off the pain and wiping away the endless flow of tears as the blood poured out of me.

Then just before dinner on Halloween I would feel it leave my body. This time I wouldn’t call my husband into the bathroom. This time I would just stare into the toilet myself.

Say may goodbyes alone.

And flush my dreams of another child away.

42 comments to Stolen Secrets and Broken Hearts

  • surrounding you with love and support.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Thank you. I tried so hard to do everything “right” this time. And some silly part of me actually thought keeping it a secret would make it all okay. I was so very wrong.

    [Reply]

  • Pgoodness

    Oh honey, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m
    So sorry. :(. Sending hugs and love a peace.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    I need all the hugs and love and peace I can get right now.

    [Reply]

  • I’m so very sorry for your loss. Reading your comment to Nic about doing everything “right” this time, I have to say that you surely did everything right. You didn’t make this happen by anything you did. I hope you can know that soon, if not right away.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    I know. I know. But it is SO hard not to feel like a failure.

    [Reply]

  • ((HUGS))

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Thank you.

    [Reply]

  • MInish

    Sending you one of my great big squishy hugs with extra squish. I love you. Love to Josh, too.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    Extra squish is good. I’ll pass it on to Josh. And G-tot just for good measure.

    [Reply]

  • Amy

    Oh, Holly! My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine your grief. I’ve never been in your shoes. But, my mother was–six times. She’d given up the hope of ever having a baby and yet here I am.

    Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.

    [Reply]

    Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} Reply:

    I wanted so bad for it to be just a one time freak occurrence. Now I’m afraid I’ll get the same result every time.

    [Reply]

  • Drew

    Holly – this is like reading pages out of my own life. I tried to will pregnencies to “stick” and was heart broken when they didn’t. I became OCD about doing things “just right”. I too kept the secret, but they didn’t play by the rules. Know that you are not alone, you are SO loved and have happy thoughts and prayers being sent from me too.

    [Reply]

  • Zoot

    The hardest miscarriage I had was the one I lost alone in my bathroom. The one I was able to see with my own eyes and was far enough along that I knew what I was looking at. I did it alone too. So, with my very knowing heart I embrace your spirit today. I know exactly what it looks like and how it feels and I know the pain of opting to just let it go without any sort of morbid fanfare.

    I’m sorry and my heart breaks for you. I wish there was something I could say, but there’s not. I’m just sending you as much positive energy as I can today.

    [Reply]

  • I know all too well what you are going through.
    I have been there far too many times.

    Today I am sending you hugs and prayers.

    [Reply]

  • You WON’T get the same result every time. One loss, two losses. They do not mean there is no hope. I understand the heartbreak of repeated losses and I’d even understand if you decided not to put yourself through more. I did after three miscarriages. We decided to adopt instead and get off the crazy, emotional roller coaster. Then we got pregnant and shocked ourselves when she worked. I went through two more miscarriages but we now have four children. I know you feel “broken.” I know you feel like it’s your “fault.” You’re not. It’s not. I’m sending peace and love and warm hugs.

    [Reply]

  • I am so sorry Holly. I just want to wrap you up in a warm hug of love, your whole family.

    [Reply]

  • Oh sweetie. I am so very very sorry. Surrounding you in lots of love and hugs.
    xoxoxo

    [Reply]

  • Kim

    I’m so sorry. Love you and hugging you from afar.

    [Reply]

  • My heart is broken for you. Surrounding you with love and hugs.

    [Reply]

  • Damn it! I don’t know what else to say.

    Has your doc checked for Rh factor issues? I thought it was pretty much standard procedure, but apparently not all of them are on top of this. And in my (former) SIL’s case, she went through 5 miscarriages before it dawned on somebody to check her testosterone levels. Once they started supplementing those, she carried to term. Bloodwork is everything, man. A good endocrinologist might be worth seeking.

    [Reply]

  • I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I know it’s hard not to feel this way but you did nothing wrong. You’ll be in my thoughts.

    [Reply]

  • deb

    Sending healing hugs & love.

    [Reply]

  • I’m so very sorry. :( Sending much love. xoxo

    [Reply]

  • Mindy

    I’m sorry for your loss(es).

    I’ve had three miscarriages, and am expecting the fourth one (no indication of miscarriage…yet). Too many people know how you’re feeling right now.

    I hope the next one sticks for you.

    Hugs,
    Mindy

    [Reply]

  • Amber

    Holly – I am sorry for your loss and your pain. It doesn’t feel like it now, but this pain will not last forever. I hope you can find comfort in the support of family and friends. There will come a time when this is a distant memory. Until then, I am sending wishes of peace to you.

    [Reply]

  • I had a thought the other day that a baby was going to happen again soon. I’m so sorry.

    [Reply]

  • i’m so sorry. it hurts something awful.

    [Reply]

  • Sending you love and light. So very sorry.

    [Reply]

  • I am so sorry for your loss. Love and hugs from far away.

    [Reply]

  • Oh Holly. I am sending big, big hugs to you and JQ. It’s nothing you did, or didn’t do. Sending you all the good thoughts I have, my heart is just breaking for you both. Hang in there!

    [Reply]

  • Oh Holly. I wish I was there to give you and Josh and G-tot a huge hug. This is so unfair and heartbreaking. I had been wishing for good news for you after reading your post about being ready and trying again. I marvaled at your strength and love. You did nothing wrong. This just happens unfortunately. And while I have not experienced it for myself I know a lot of women who have and they still go on to have healthy babies. In fact my brother and I are proof of that. Take care my friend and let us know if we can help in any way.

    [Reply]

  • Holly, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that sounds trite, but know I’m sending good thoughts your way and hoping you never have to go through this again.

    [Reply]

  • Oh, Holly. I don’t even know how to express how incredibly sorry I am that you are experiencing such tremendous pain right now, and that you have to go through this once again. It absolutely breaks my heart. Please know that you obviously have a large community here of people who genuinely love and care about you. I’m so sorry. *Hugs*

    [Reply]

  • Oh man… much MUCH love to you. I am so deeply sorry. It really is just not fucking fair. Big hugs to you…

    [Reply]

  • I’m so sorry, Holly.

    [Reply]

  • Mad Ethel

    Oh, Honey. I am so sorry. (((HUGS)))

    [Reply]

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