Transparency

I often wonder…

How much is enough?
How much is too much?
Will I ever get it right?
What happens if I don’t?

Why am I so afraid of taking the risk and finding out?
When am I crossing the line from responsible adult to inhibited wuss?
Why do I feel the need to avoid things that might lead to a confrontation?

Why do I care so much?

I feel like there is a side of me that I don’t share. The side that may not always be pretty. The one that reveals a little too much. A side that might make some shift uncomfortably in their chairs reading about it. The side that some insist they don’t possess. I shared a little of that side in a post I wrote a few months ago. It wasn’t long, but to me it was bitingly powerful in its brevity.

I think about that post every time I open the dashboard. I see the title of the post sitting in the drafts pile. It always reminds me of that day. I wrote those words in a high emotional state. My feelings had been hurt and I needed to get out of my head. By the end I had a realization about myself that I’ve since been working on. Which is good. But the post itself doesn’t shine the most pleasant light on me or someone close to me. So I never published it. I’m pretty sure I ever never will.

And I’m not sure I’m okay with that.

6 comments to Transparency

  • Cindy

    Life is to short, be yourself and take chances.

    [Reply]

  • Amber

    I think being open and honest is sometimes one of the hardest things to do when it comes to emotions and possibly hurting another’s feeling. I can only speak for myself.

    [Reply]

  • Hi Pixie!!!

    I love the new site!

    I’ve missed reading your posts. I can’t wait to catch up.

    Sometimes writing something is enough. No one else has to read it. Just sayin.

    [Reply]

  • Lisa

    Awww, it’s OK. You don’t need to feel bad about this ambiguity, really. I think it’s a normal thing to worry about. I write unpublished posts all the time and I really do know the feeling you’re talking about. I don’t like hurting people’s feelings or anything, myself… or offend anyone with some of my more dark, extreme beliefs. Yet, I also get the sense I’m not being myself when I ‘hide’ my true thoughts. My opinion is that this is just what comes with any kind of public writing, and we’re the only people who can determine what we want to put out there and what we don’t. If you have hesitation, don’t publish. You do know what’s best for yourself… and hell, I’ll always check in on you here no matter what you write (or don’t). :)

    [Reply]

  • Writing it out, to get it out of your head, is an important thing to do. While you may not be sharing it with the world you are relieving yourself of the stress of carrying it around with you. However, if you feel like you should have posted it, post it! We all have those second guess moments. Am I revealing too much? WIll people think differently of me if I post this? But if it will help you heal, if it helps you be you then I say do it! Because we love YOU! And nothing could change that. :)

    P.S. I finally posted on my blog!

    [Reply]

  • burly bertha

    My biggest fear is being a hypocrite. I think it’s from being raised a “christian”. ( I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are not like your Christ.– Gandhi) I don’t want to say one thing and then do another. Or say one thing and do nothing. But I don’t think you need to post to the world in order to be authentic. Maybe you need to confront this person and not go along with your life like nothing is wrong.

    [Reply]

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